The “Everything-But Girl”

Melissa is a thirty-five-year-old marketing executive living in Los Angeles. She is single, but would like to be in a relationship, having been in the dating game for many years. She is independent and confident in her sexuality. Her experiences have led her to create her own set of rules. “If I like a guy, then I won’t have sex with him right away,” she says. “Blowjobs are fine, but sex is something entirely different.”

With her Clintonian parsing of the definition of sex, Melissa is an “everything-but girl” (EBG). That is, she will engage in everything but intercourse. This phenomenon seems to be widespread, as I have encountered EBGs from sea to shining sea.

The view is based on the belief that intercourse is somehow a more sacred, intimate act, that in opening oneself up, a women makes herself more vulnerable than she does with other assorted (and, possibly, sordid) bedroom acts.

Is this view anachronistic, or does intercourse have a potency that eclipses all other sex acts? There is no one answer. And while some might consider “everything but” a relatively random cut-off point, determining boundaries is an individual endeavor. We must all create our own definitions of sex (intern not included).