Giving Men What They Want

“A dating world where I can meet attractive, smart women who are sexually aware and who will sleep with me even though they don’t really want a relationship? Let me check. Ya, I think I might be able to deal with that.”
-Adam, 32, lawyer, Birmingham, Michigan

While the conventional wisdom suggests otherwise, men are insecure and uncertain. Like women, we men wonder whether you are into us, despite what certain books say. In He’s Just Not That Into You, the authors allude to the fact that if men can run the world, then they can call you first. Well, we’re doing a fine job running things so far in this millennium, aren’t we? And who are these men? I’m not quite sure myself. Most men I talk to are too preoccupied trying to understand the differences between Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis to run the world.

Women get nervous, but men do too. That time we never called you—that might actually have been because we were confused – did you even want us to call you in the first place? Even though we’re unsure, the pressure is on men to make the first move or advance the ball. Men are more than content to accept a world where there is sexual equality, and where women can take charge – we just don’t know how to handle it quite yet.

The potential downside to a scenario where women are as aggressive as men, and where casual sex is an accepted norm, is that it essentially gives men license to be, well, men. The biggest beneficiary of this female empowerment is the male. This is not to say that women should play by certain “rules” or withhold sex. That does not work, and it’s silly gamesmanship. Or is it?

But, on the flip side, you have to be aware that you might be contributing to the very situation that you often complain about: Men who won’t commit. We’re not good on subtlety, especially when we’re seeing a situation through testosterone-tinted glasses.
This is not to say that all men are incommunicative jerks or that the only thing we want is casual sex. We probably won’t turn down a non-committal roll in the hay, but that doesn’t mean we see it as the pinnacle of existence -- there is also baseball and beer, after all. Believe it or not, there are some guys who actually want to delay sex, especially with a woman they could potentially care about. And even when we’re in situations that are casual, sometimes we’re honest about that. It’s not necessarily the case that a guy who says this is all he can handle is “not that into you.” It’s possible that, in fact, it’s all he can handle, and if you both want to handle the same thing, i.e., casual sex (you go girl!), perhaps it will be good for you too.