I’m not feeling like a sex goddess these days, and my husband takes it so personally. What’s his problem? It’s not him, it’s me.

Ian: Speaking for the guys, I love this point—not because you don’t feel like the sex goddess you once used to feel like, but because you’re saying it’s not our fault. Rationally, we know it’s not us, but you know sex isn’t wired into the rational part of our brain—sexual arousal comes from primitive reptile parts of the brain, the amygdala, which is also wired into our fight or flight response. This fight or flight response is designed to help us make snap decisions, like whether to shake hands with that guy walking up to us or to deck him one. We’re thinking friend or foe. So when you rebuff our sexual advances, it immediately bypasses our rational prefrontal cortex and goes straight to that primitive response. So, please baby please (of course that’s the title of a book I was just reading to Beckett), keep letting us know that it’s not our fault, that you really do still think we’re cute and sexy and manly, and also know that when you rebuff us there might be a snap response that we can’t help (not that that’s an excuse), but we may need a few moments to get rational.

Heidi: That darn reptile brain! But I guess that does make sense. Here’s another way of thinking about it. As I mentioned in my first book, I always got kind of pissy when JB acted all “blue” on me after I put him off, until he explained it like this: “I’m sorry, babe, I was just really excited to screw. And now it’s hard for me to lie next to you. I’m going to grab some string cheese, watch Sports Center, and cool down. You’re welcome to join me, but if you don’t, I want you to know I’m not angry or trying to punish you by leaving the room. I just have a very bad headache—in my penis.” Now that makes sense to the part of my brain otherwise possibly reserved for “hurt feelings/panic about relationship status.”

Ian: When you say JB acted all blue on you, don’t you really mean he got “all blue balls” on you? This is the discomfort men feel in the testicles when the blood-filled genital area is not relived by orgasm. The “correct” term for blue balls is epididymitis, which is an inflammation of the epididymis, which occurs when sperm that have left the testes but not the penis and causes swelling, a bit of a pain, and a bit of bluing due to the pooling of the blood. So maybe JB’s balls really do have the blues, metaphorically and literally. But guys aren’t the only ones to feel the paid of unrelieved sexual tension. Many women often feel a heaviness in the pelvic area and a lingering sense of ache. Maybe the condition should be called “blue vulva.”

Heidi: That sounds like a David Lynch movie! And here I thought he just meant it figuratively “hurt” him when I lead him on. Thanks for the heads up on that, Ian.