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QUESTION:
"Ian: I saw you lecture in Florida and I just wanted to say
that I think it's really cool that you talk openly about premature
ejaculation and your own experiences dealing with it. I suffer
pretty badly from PE, and it's caused me a lot of embarrassment
and shame over the years. Sometimes I get so depressed about
it I'd rather not have sex at all, or even bother trying to
be in a relationship. It's nice to know I'm not alone, and keep
getting the word out!" (Kevin, 30)
ANSWER: Trust me, you're definitely not alone. PE is the number one sexual problem afflicting men and also, consequently, a major problem for women as well. In her book, Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm, actress-author Kim Cattrall declared that premature ejaculators were the bane of her existence; so it's not just a guy-problem, it's a sex-problem — one that highlights the differences in how men and women experience the process of sexual response. In general, men are fast to heat up and fast to cool down, while women are slower to heat up and take longer to cool down. (Incidentally, this is also one of the main reasons women often feel a need to snuggle after sex and men want to roll over and go to sleep.)
Ironically, as prevalent as PE is it's rarely discussed publicly (even in men's magazines) and it's certainly not culturally accepted in the way that erectile dysfunction (impotence) is. At any given time we can turn on the television and see commercials featuring Bob Dole or other cultural icons talking openly about impotence and their success with Viagra. Hell, lately commercials have even been portraying Viagra as a young guy's party-drug. But premature ejaculation is never talked about. Maybe that's because the pharmaceutical industry has billions of dollars at stake in the proliferation of Viagra and its derivatives, and has big marketing budgets to get the word out. So until there's a PE wonder drug, don't expect any commercials.
But know that you're not alone, and know that PE is treatable through a variety of therapies; if you haven't done so already, please read Helen Singer-Kaplan's terrific book on the subject, and consider consulting with a qualified sex therapist in your area. You can find one through the websites of organizations like AASECT (The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists) or the American Board of Sexology.
But also know that you don't need to depend on your penis to pleasure a woman. That's what my book She Comes First is all about—first understanding that the majority of nerve endings that stimulate the female orgasm are located on the surface of the vulva and don't require any penetration to be stimulated, and then stimulating them appropriately by knowing how to turn foreplay into coreplay. With a little bit of knowledge about female sexual response and a basic understanding of technique, you can easily bring a woman to orgasm. And then, if you want, you can switch to penetration and focus prolonging the pleasure. But since she's already experienced one orgasm you won't feel nearly the same sense of pressure. So, in short, if you combine the techniques in my book with the techniques commonly used to treat PE—like the stop-start method —you'll definitely be on the path to sexual health.
When we know how to recognize and navigate the process of female sexual response, when we understand the role of the clitoris in stimulating that process, then sex becomes easier, simpler and more rewarding, and we're impelled to create pleasure with not just our penises, but with our hands and mouths, bodies and minds. In letting go of intercourse, we open ourselves up to new creative ways of experiencing pleasure; ways that free us from all the usual male anxieties about size, stamina and performance. We're free to love with more of our self, with our entire self. |
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