QUESTION: "Dear Ian:

My husband is so different from when we met--I can't stand how lazy he is around the house, with his appearance and especially in our relationship. Is it wrong for me to expect him to still romance me and look at good as he used to? How can I get him to change or shouldn't I bother?"

ANSWER: So your husband’s not the man you married, and you want to give him a makeover? I have an idea – why don’t you take a page from Aristophanes’ book – you know, the Ancient Greek playwright who hypothesized that men and women were originally created as one being: joined back to back with two faces, four arms and four feet. Everything was going great until the Gods split us in two, leaving us in perpetual search of our other half, a pursuit that gave rise to the popular concept of the soul-mate -- you know, the guy you thought you married, who, if anything, has turned out to be a toll-mate (especially when he’s lying around in his boxers and scratching his balls.)

So what would Aristophanes tell you to do? Well, in one of his plays the women of Greece are so fed up with their men that they refuse to have sex with them until the guys come to their senses and change their ways. It worked back then, maybe it’s worth a try. But alas: Zeus no longer rules the heavens, Poseidon has ceased to lord over the seas, and holding out on your man just means more time for him to surf the Internet for online porn.

But some things haven’t changed since the beginning of time, namely the courtship process. We’re still hot and heavy in the early stages of a relationship, and then we get complacent and start taking each other for granted. It’s called being attached and it’s all part of the mating game. As one woman, a newlywed, told me, “Last week my husband walked right past me, yawned and then farted -- he didn’t even excuse himself! On the one hand I felt sort of giddy, I wanted to shout I’m really married, but then it hit me (worse than the stink) – oh God, I’m really married!”

That’s marriage for you – reflecting on the flipside of a fart.

Fortunately, one thing that has changed since Ancient Greece is the concept of date-night: (it no longer involves him getting it on with a young boy in a toga). But it often does involve another throwback to the days of Antiquity, romance.

Here’s the bare-bones truth, Ladies: romance is something that we guys do for you, but not always with you.

Let me explain: Romance is a precursor to sexual desire, getting in the mood, yes? But numerous studies have shown that male desire depends primarily on two components – visual stimulation and physical stimulation (like you needed a study to tell you that). This is why Viagra is so successful with men – pump some blood to the genitals, show him a Victoria’s Secret catalog, and bang he’s ready for action. But when Pfizer set out to create a female version of Viagra, they failed dismally, concluding that women need more than just physical and visual stimulation to experience desire, they require things like a sense of security and intimacy, as well as fuller sensory stimulation -- sounds sort of, well, romantic, right?

Guys know this intuitively – it’s hard-wired into our relationship DNA - which is why we make such an effort to be romantic when we’re wooing you. We know it’s something we have to do to win your heart. But once we’ve got you, why should we continue with something that does so little for us?

So what am I saying? It’s not that your man needs a makeover, it’s that your relationship needs to grow and to be stimulated in new ways. You need to come up with new definitions of romance, ones that are based on deeper compatibility, and not the way you related when you were first going out. Listen, I’m not saying that he won’t appreciate a romantic candle-lit dinner, followed by rose-petals scattered across the bed every now and then; but if you want to improve your relationship, don’t focus on externals – like changing in his appearance -- focus on internals: why he’s grown complacent and what you can do to stimulate your relationship in new ways. As we get lazy, so do our relationships.
Who knows? Maybe Aristophanes was right and love is all about searching for our other half. But if you want my opinion, the real fun (and work) is what we do to keep our relationships whole.