QUESTION: "Dear Ian:

Dear Ian, I’m dating this guy and I’m not sure if I just like him, or if I’m potentially starting to, you know, uhm, love him?"

ANSWER: There’s no easy answer, but try taking the Dr. Ian “love-test.”
Is he taking on special meaning? Once we start liking someone, we begin to see that person’s unique qualities. Sure, he started out as just another spin on the dating treadmill, but now the others start to pale compared to him. There’s something, well, different about him. He's funnier, more intelligent, more sensitive than the rest of them. In short, he’s becoming special to you.

Is he commanding more of your attention? When we start to like someone, we spend a lot more time thinking about that person. We start to neglect family, friends, and work. You check your answering machine, you wait for his emails, you wonder if something’s wrong with AOL. You find yourself thinking more and more about your times together, the little details like what he ordered to drink and the color of the shirt he wore on your last date. Random things and odd events start to remind you of him. Yup, it’s true. He’s got your attention.

Are you wearing rose-colored glasses? When we like someone we tend to aggrandize them, to make a lot out of the little things, to push aside their faults and to even see those faults as being cute or funny. We see their good qualities through a magnifying glass. Our friends often don’t get what we see in that person, but it doesn’t matter, because we do. Ask yourself, are you seeing this guy in a way that makes your friends think you’ve swallowed a batch of hallucinogens? If so, it’s time to get a new pair of glasses.

Do you feel consumed by emotion? Are you passionate about him? Have you started and then stopped yourself from sending him little emails? When you’re with him, do those emotions intensify? Do you have to work hard to seem calm and collected when your mind is racing? Are you experiencing mood swings, from happiness to sadness, many of which are dependent on the attention you’re getting or not getting from him?

Are you eating? Are you sleeping? Often when we start to like someone, we feel a sense of exhilaration, a tremendous sense of energy. Our hearts race, and we forget to eat and have trouble sleeping.
Are you changing yourself? Whether it’s your clothes, your hair, your taste in music and movies, or even your priorities and values, when we start to like some we often emulate them and change ourselves in ways that we think will make us more appealing and attractive to that person.

Do you want exclusivity from him? If he was just a hook-up, it shouldn’t matter if he sleeps with other women. When we don’t really like someone, we don’t care if they see other people. It’s only when we start to like someone that we want or even demand exclusivity.

If you answered yes to some or all of these questions, you’re not just starting to like that person, you’re starting to love that person. Yes, you’re falling, and you might be on your way to falling really hard. It doesn’t matter how you got to this place, whether it started out as just sex, or he was in the meantime, or just a run on the dating treadmill – once you start loving someone, all bets are off.
For more information on the differences between liking, lusting and loving, check out my new book, You’re Not That Into Him Either.